Hole in my brain

Is Jesus Enough?

2007-01-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

Lindsey (and whoever else may be reading this) I want you to know that I think that upper room message you posted about a few posts ago may have changed my life. So first I just wanted to say thank you...thank you for being willing to share with us out here in the internet world and being open to God's leading so that He could use you to shine His light.

I know many of you have probably not heard the message but the main jist of it was "Is Jesus enough?" And for the past year and a half or so He hasn't been...I have been stuck...alone...depressed...wandering...whatever word you want to put on it and one of the many things that has suffered as a result is my marriage. Anyway, I realized tonight that I've had it all wrong these past months of my life...I had it all wrong going into my marriage...I had it wrong about relationships in general. Because you see when Jesus is enough we are not seeking anything from anyone else....which translates to me...its not about what someone else can or cannot offer me....its about connecting with Jesus and then looking at what I can offer someone else. This may not make sense to you guys, but it has completely flipped my whole understanding of marriage...because while yes I want to be married to someone who "loves" me (I put that in quotations because so often love is translated SO completely differently by spouses and doesn't get translated as love to us..so do we ever really feel like we are truly loved by our spouse?) I see now that I have been completely selfish...and the only place that leads me is to feel constantly "thirsty" or seeking reassurance that my husband loves me....yes completely needy and neurotic...which only leads to dissappointment and fights...its not about him loving me and "completing me" or being my other half...its about me being complete and connected in Christ and then offering all I have to him....my prayer is that I continue on that road

Saying Goodbye

2006-11-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my last night of youth group with these kids!:( I resigned from my position in the church, and I fully believe it was a God decision...but man will I miss these kids. So in good old blogger fashion here's my top ten tribute to the youth at Promise of what I will miss the most...
10. Being completely ignored as I try and explain the rules to an extremely fun game we are going to play.
9. The deep discussions questioning life and God
8. The midnight or 6am birthday parties
7. The hugs and the tears
6. The naked horseback riders
5. Crazy frog scavenger hunts
4. Laughing so hard food spits out of your mouth
3. Chinese fire drills
2. When you can see the light come on

And the number one thing I will miss the most.......
SOFT PORN!! - STAY OFF OF EACH OTHER:)...and stop watching it too!

God is Amazing

2006-11-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, this past year of my life has been extremely hard on me...I feel anxious, depressed, lonely, overwhelmed, and extremely burnt out most of the time. Because you all are extremely bright people you can probably deduct that I'm not able to "accomplish" much in this state. I mean it takes everything in me to get out of bed in the morning, let alone plan youth nights, attend retreats and trips, deal with people, etc. etc. So I have been trying to lay off on the pressure that I've placed on myself to do too much too soon. In actuality these are all pretty words to say that I stay in my apartment by myself when I can just to get away, I barely "accomplish" two tasks a day that really mean anything (not including emails, chatting with friends, and myspace!), and I am basically just getting by...doing as little as possible so that I don't go crazy. Now, why do I tell you this? To show you how amazing our God is...last night the high schoolers showed up for youth group and of course they were all "high" off their candy and no school that day BUT they were bugging me and bugging me about how much they love youth group and wish it was more than once a week. Then after talking awhile they were like, why can't we have it another day? And I said there is no reason, you just have to pick a day that would work...Tuesday-no it can't be Tuesday I have hula...Thursday -no Grey's Anatomy is on....what about Monday?-no one has anything on Monday? Jayme can we have youth group again on Mondays too? I'm sitting there kind of in a silent shock through this whole process and I say sure, why not? And they all like went wild...are you serious?...we can have it twice a week?...that's awesome!!! Can we start this Monday?

So, without any planning, recruiting, advertising, etc. God has managed to allow these youth one more opportunity that they are super excited about in which they can at least experience Him and know that He is the purpose of the gathering. It just blows my mind that as big of a schmuck as I have been this past year, He is still working through me, even when I do nothing.

Reason I included the picture: for your eye viewing pleasure as well as the fact that this is the passion that God has placed in my life...for us as Christians to portray Christ to people around us, but just as importantly to SEE Christ in the people around us.

Humiliated

2006-10-06T14:24:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone...this is my public confession:/ So as you all know or could know by reading my blogs I have been down lately...well part of this whole situation for me is being extremely angry at unreasonable times. This is not an excuse for the behavior but I think where the anger comes from is that there is so much in my life that I feel like is controlling me and that I feel like tells me that I'm wrong all the time and because I can't let out my anger in those situations I end up letting it out in these other ones....

Today I was driving my car back to the office after lunch and for those of you who don't know California traffic...its just ridiculous...no rhyme or reason for anything and everything is backed up. Well, to get onto the expressway this truck cuts me off and then proceeds to SLOW DOWN enough that other cars can get in front of him....THEN he stops at the yellow light when he could have made it and we are stuck for another light (which is like another 5 minutes!) So in my ever patient ways I scream "OH, MY GOD!!!" Only then did I happen to realize that both my front windows were open and so was the guys in front of me. He proceeds to roll down his window the whole way...lean his body out...and glare at me! For a second there I thought I was a dead woman. Not only was I scared for my life, but I was mortified...I responded like an uncontrollable 3 year old and I don't understand why those things frustrate me so much that I literally had to scream loud enough in my car that someone in another car could hear me? So yeah...like I said...this is my public confession. I can't apologize to the man but I am sorry...he really didn't do anything wrong. And my anger was way out of context!

Piece of advice...if you have road rage...keep your windows rolled up:)

Wait for the Lord

2006-10-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

These hands strike a chord within my sould. I'm not sure why...maybe its because they are in dark colors, maybe because they are empty, or maybe its because I feel as if they are beseeching the Lord as I so often find myself doing these days...using words so close to the Barlow Girls song..."please mend this broken heart...somethings gotta change....this can't be the way...please mend this broken heart of mine." For so long I have felt lost and without direction. But recently I began to hear God's promises again....I will restore you...I will fight for you...I AM the God who saves! So in my ever patient way...I immediately was looking for action and became distraught quickly because nothing was happening....

And then again today God gave me direction..."Wait for the Lord: be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14 What a hard thing to do.....but at the same time being able to know that it is God who is acting and not me...priceless! These hands remind me so much of myself right now...empty, reaching, alone, but most importantly open and pointed up....I just pray God continues to keep me as faithful.

Nothing too exciting:)

2006-09-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hey guys...I don't really have any fun stories or new and exciting news, but I thought I would just say hi since I haven't written in awhile. Now that I think about it the time since I have last updated this thing has been filled with....STRESS!!! We just opened our preschool 2 weeks ago and let me tell you...it almost didn't happen. Testament to God's provision and grace, but still it was not much fun being around here the past month. Now we are up and running, we have 60 students, room for 140 more and I got a new office!!!! And of course with a new office comes the ever realistic reasoning to buy new stuff for that office!!! I got a new chair, a new lamp with funky twisty arms for the lights (i'm sure you've all seen one like it), a new rug, a new bulletin board, ummmm...new lightbulbs...a new clock, and I think that's about it!!! But it was way fun decorating and I now love my office:) It really hasn't felt like home until now in here..especially since first I was in the Pastor's house, then in a rented house...etc. It's just nice to have a "real office." I know...I'm a nerd:)!!!

I Have A NEPHEW!!!!!

2006-08-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Josiah John Niederstadt was born on August 8th, 2006 at 9:17 in the morning! He was 8lbs 2oz. and 191/2 inches long!!!!! What a blessing to get a boy after having all girls! Isn't he just the cutest thing you've ever seen!!!!?

2006-08-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

Our Group that went down....the best ever!!! This is us at the entrance of La Bufadora (which basically means blowhole!)...we took some time for a long lunch to see the sights around us. I think we're looking pretty good for our fourth..yes count them four..day without a shower!

We found out when we got there that our main job would be to drywall a building for the community center and were worried about not being able to work with any children...little did we know that the neighborhood kids would come EVERYDAY to hang out with us!

This is me...destressing in the middle of a long day! I HATE banana runts and laffy taffy!

Us at morning chapel. We had chapel every morning and every night after we got back from our ministry sites and our group rushed to the front row every time!!! God is good:)

Who says that girls can't use a hammer? Our team was amazing! They took this drywall project and mastered it! Never once did we hear a complaint, have people that didn't want to work, or have to ride anyone to get involved or change their attitude!!! They amazed me that week!

Guys...it was an amazing trip! I could go on forever about all the God things that happened. Like we got pulled over and our translator talked to the guy and he let us go (we didn't have our insurance or passports on us). Then on the way home one of the boys didn't have any id, birth certificate or anything on him because they had to send it in from the camp for his immigration stuff and the border patrol guy asked everyone in the van EXCEPT this boy! There were 9 people in there! I saw a girl smile for real for the first time since I have been here and to hear her talk about God and how awesome He is, how real He is to here, etc....that was awe inspiring! Two of our leaders decided to wash everyone's feet one day when we got back from camp and we all got to wash our hair at the place we were working at! It may seem like trivial stuff...but God was moving and it was amazing to see:)

Ready or Not Here We Come!!!

2006-07-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

Mexico could be in for a rude awakening when we get into town this afternoon! I mean with five junior high girls that randomly like to adore each other and then the next second pull each others hair out...who wouldn't be scared!? Just kidding...the girls actually get along well for the most part and they all have the right mind set about going down for this mission trip. Please just keep us in your prayers. This is my first mission trip ever...let alone first time going to Mexico...AND of course I'm dealing with feelings of failure because there are only 6 maybe 7 youth going and the rest adults...it's stressful being evaluated by numbers! Anyway..we'll be back on Friday..but it will be a long week without showers, real bathrooms, beds, air conditioning, etc. I'm excited to see how God stretches and changes us through this! Take care and I'll see ya on the flip side!

Week Day Man!

2006-06-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

So this is who is going to be keeping me company during the week while my husband is working hard making us some money!!!! His name is Ice and we just got him on Saturday:) He is a miniature huskie and toy wolf combined and will only get to be about 20lbs! We love him and are quickly being trained what it will be like to have a little one around! No sleep...throw up on you....getting peed on...cleaning up stepped in poop...getting up at 1:30am to take him all the way downstairs to go to the bathroom outside because he refuses to go on the training pads...oh yeah...its fun!!!

Long Distance Marriage

2006-05-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

I used to hear stories of married couples that had chosen to live in separate places for awhile because of their careers and the timing and all of the other stuff that goes into it and I thought...Man that would stink...I always thought when you got married you were "together" forever. I mean in my family my mom moved wherever my dad was working...not that we moved around a lot, but still I knew that was the understanding and expectation. My dad was the "head of the household." So growing up and hearing that some families were different kinda shook my world a little bit. But beyond that I never gave it much thought....until recently. Kobi has been miserable at his current job and an opportunity came up for a much better job in terms of pay, what he would be doing and who he'd be working with! Only problem is he has to fly to one of four places every Monday: either Virginia, Indiana, Florida, or Houston! I'm not going to lie...it sucks that every Monday through Friday morning I am going to once again be on my own. But at the same time I am so extremely happy for him! This is a great opportunity...has room for a lot of advancement within the company and I think overall he will be a happier man! Please just keep us in your prayers though because we both know its going to be a hard road. Pray specifically that I don't take my loneliness out on him and for Kobi's protection!

Crabby Pants

2006-05-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

Ever had onen of those days that you were just plain ol' crabby? Yeah....that's today for me. Not sure why other than I am probably just tired, but believe me I have very little patience for anything today and I feel like I just want to run around screaming as loud as I can for as long as I can before my voice fails. Its weird because its not like anything specific has caused this mood...so I can't really resolve any conflict in order to move on...but still...how do I get the crabby pants off? So, just wondering what you geniuses out there do to get yourself out of a bad mood that has no direct cause:)

Here's My Question...or Two..or Three...

2006-05-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

What are we, as church workers and youth ministers, placed in these positions here to do? To accomplish? Is my main job supposed to be protecting these kids from the world? So that they never question... never wonder... never dig into what they believe, their faith and why they have it? When the kids come to youth group am I suppose to create utopia, a perfect world....heaven? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but somewhere along the line I thought I was called to go into the world so that those that are lost can know they have been found....not called to draw myself away and protect what is already mine...isn't there a parable about that? What good is this treasure I have in my relationship with Christ if I don't make it available to those who really need it? And going on that...don't we all really need it? Who of us is qualified....worthy of the calling that God has placed on our lives? Did He call us because we were perfect or He knew we were going to be once placed in ministry? And yes I understand living a life above reproach...I am not saying that we shouldn't, but do we disclude people from ministry because of their sins? And not even being sinners in general, but specific sins that we can pick and choose...the ones that make us most uncomfortable? I'm sorry for the ranting, but come on...who did Jesus call? Who does He still call? The outcasts and unlikely....while they were still like that...who are we to do any different? Are we as ministers not allowed to love people where they are at and walk with them as they begin this transforming walk with Christ? Are we not allowed to let these same people interact with other Christians who may be "impressionable" because they might then think sinning is okay? I just don't get it...where is the line? Who makes the final call? Who is allowed to say this sin is okay...but this ones not...? Please enlighten me:)

2006-04-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.

What I miss...

2006-04-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

You know guys...there are a lot of cool things about living in California. I've never lived in a place where there are so many different options of things to do in all directions. I mean there's camping, hiking, beaches, mountains, high class shopping, hollywood, Disneyland, Sea World, Zoo, Wild Animal Park, regular parks everywhere, little shopping villages, outdoor sports all year round...and the list goes on. But just so you know there are many things that I miss about "home."

I miss have a dreary 5 months of cold, snow, and clouds only to wake up one random morning and have the most beautiful sunny weather you've ever dreamed of....it was on these days that I felt "I can take on the world and isn't life beautiful!" It made me happy to just be alive! I guess the sun after so many months of dreariness just gives one hope! But here I find myself despising the sun at times...thankful for the few clouds that come through that take away the squinting, the heat, the intrusive brightness...I used to love the sun...now...I'm not so sure...I miss loving the sun...

And I miss my friends and family...the ones that make "home"...I love you all!

Long Time...No Blog

2006-04-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that it has been about a month or so since I have last written on this thing...and thought I would just say what's up. Let's see if I can give you a half way interesting play by play of the last month....
1. Huge tiring weekend taking Junior Highers to a district youth gathering...that went absolutely awesome actually...they all got along!!! Major news if you know anything about Junior Highers:) Then closed the weekend out with a Kutless concert that night...one of the girls was so tired she fell asleep standing, with her head on her friends shoulder!!!!
2. Got "dismissed" from an elders meeting!!! Not as bad as it sounds but I was still dismissed!...but it's a long story so if you really want to know what happened you're going to have to contact me!
3. Started teaching some little tykes 1st communion classes!
4. Started a new time for the Junior High youth group and didn't lose a single youth!!!
5. One of my junior highers was sexually assaulted at school:(
6. Held a Mexican potluck dinner for our Mexico Mission Trip this summer!
7. Attended an Education team meeting that I'm still not sure what we accomplished there!
8. Had two purity retreats in one weekend - 5 guys and 5 girls!!!! Ended up being a totally awesome weekend...but Satan was definitely attacking before hand:(
9. Friends, Friends, and more Friends!!!! - company came to visit and we had tons of fun!!
10. We had (and hopefully still have) cute toes!!!

Unfailing Love

2006-03-02T14:58:00.000-08:00

Life for me recently has been pretty....what's the word...crappy I guess would be the closest thing I can think of...or no maybe lonely...no I know...disconnected. I don't know if it's because of all the narcotics I was on for my kidney stone or what but I have just felt so completely alone in this fight called life and disconnected from everything and everyone that I know and love, including God. It's hard to explain, but the best I can come up with is that I felt like I was fighting a battle...a huge battle...by myself....in thick mud up to my knees...while trying to run up hill. NOT FUN! I felt like it was me against the world and I just did not measure up and I felt like I wasn't allowed to be who I am and it was eating me alive inside.

Well God is good....
Things started changing at the end of last week and then really started to change at the beginning of this week. But nothing really hit home of course until I went into Scripture last night...the Psalms seem to always bring me comfort...I seem to always identify with the writer. Phrases like "I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side." and "answer me when I call to you O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer." or "Give ear to my words, O Lord, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray." and finally..."Turn, O Lord, and deliver me; save me because of YOUR UNFAILING LOVE."

I don't know a lot of things, but I do know this...God is God and I am not drowning out here alone...it is His fight and He always wins! Praise God that we can walk through the fire and not be burned, be washed over and not drown...and through it all He is with us...experiencing it with us...knowing before words are uttered how we are feeling inside and all the time holding us in His arms, blocking us from our enemies while molding and shaping us into the people He wants and needs us to be for His kingdom!....because of HIS UNFAILING LOVE

More than I'm sure you wanted to know:)

2006-02-22T17:16:00.000-08:00

So...what has been happening in my life since my tooth escapade....hmmm...let's see...
I went to sleep Monday night fully expecting to wake up on my first Valentine's Day as a married woman being showered with love by my wonderful husband....little did I know what the day would hold. I woke up at about 1:15am with shooting pains on my right side and in my back...first thing that runs through my head is what the heck...am I having a miscarriage? I'm not even pregnant...I'm on the pill...how can this be?! So, I get up to go to the bathroom and realize, no I know what this is...it's a kidney stone! Ick! I stumble out into the family room and poor Kobi thought I was dying or something, because all I could say was "it hurts, it hurts really bad" and lay down on the floor in front of him. Talk about leaving a guy clueless as to what to do. Anyway...we end up going to the hospital...of course I have to wait so I lay on the entry way floor...while people are walking by and asking Kobi if he needed help with me...it's kinda funny thinking back on it now...but I was in no mood to care then. It's like when you are kinda sleeping but you can hear what's going on around you...that's what it was like...only I was in so much pain I was in and out...not sleeping. So from the floor of the entry way I proceeded to the waiting room for about 3 minutes...then I had to go outside...I was hot...in pain and I knew I was going to throw up...I go outside but I wasn't throwing up right away so I laid down on the cement sidewalk! I didn't care I just wanted to be horizontal...this nurse comes out and says "hon, you can't lay here...it's disgusting, come inside." I go inside for another two minutes and then come back out and throw up my insides...Kobi the sweetheart comes out with warm blankets and I ended up laying on a bench outside like a homeless person for awhile. Finally, they get me into a bed and give me some real nice pain killers that knocked me right out. So yeah...my valentine's day was spent with my husband at least...just in the hospital and then the next two days knocked out on my couch!!!

The Tale of the Missing Tooth

2006-02-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

When I was in fourth grade I lived in Michigan and attended a Lutheran day school. We had chapel every Wednesday and were required to dress up...dress shoes and all. Well, on one particular Wednesday in the middle of winter we had to go outside for recess...I was in a skirt and it was freezing outside. So in order to stay warm we decided to run around the parking lot...I was extra cold I guess because I put both of my arms inside of my jacket for extra body heat and then the teacher called us in. I, in my expert athletic grace, went to turn around on my patent leather shoes in the middle of winter and slipped on ice...proceeding to catch myself....not with my hands (they are in my jacket) but with my left front tooth. Following that was much crying, a trip to the dentist office, and a two toned tooth for most of my life. Well, it recently chipped a little bit again and so we (the dentist and I) decided it was time to put a new permanent fixing on it...but in order to do that I have to live with a temporary for a couple of weeks until they can get the permanent one completed. There begins the most recent version of the tale of the missing tooth.....

Yesterday afternoon I spotted some red vines licorice in my office and my stomach said "mmmm, that looks tasty" so I decided to have a piece. I took one bite, not even making it all the way through the thing and my tooth popped off! I couldn't believe it...Of course at first I wouldn't let anyone see it or anything...geez...I hadn't seen the thing since fourth grade...but then I went and looked at it and decided to brave it out. I called the dentist and they got me in to fix it that afternoon. Following the fix I got a lecture on not eating licorice until I get my permanent one and so on and so forth. So of course I was extra careful last night...I was still pretty sensitive about it falling out...I mean it's a weird feeling. So I have yogurt, peanut butter and jelly, and string cheese for dinner. I go to bed and think no more about it. I wake up this morning refreshed and ready for the day and go to brush my teeth...no lie...my tooth pops out AGAIN! So now here I sit waiting for the dentist's office to open so I can get it fixed, but also thinking about how I could use this in my ministry.....what would the kids, the congregation, other people do if I just didn't get it fixed until my permanent one? HMMMM....it'd be interesting....

2006-02-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

So I have been thinking about this the past couple of days since this was kind of our topic at youth group the other night....
This is what this picture makes me think: Water has amazing power when it is moving. Water, being the means by which God comes to us in baptism....is God moving in my life? Am I allowing the Holy Spirit to move me enough that the power of God is undeniable? And if not what is stopping me?....My thoughts for today:)

Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

2006-01-26T13:39:00.000-08:00

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I fleee from your presence? If I go up on to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hid me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful.....

I know that full well!

Lord, help your voice be the loudest voice in my heart!

I'm a Man!!!

2006-01-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

Okay...maybe not a man...but my body is producing more androgen (male hormone) than it is progestrogen (female hormone that makes you ovulate)! I went to the doctor today and found out I have what they call polycystic ovary syndrome...which is a long name for I don't make eggs naturally. So now I have to go on birth control to get my hormones back on track and Kobi and I have to do some serious praying about when "baby time" will be. Who knows what God has in mind...but in the wisdom filled words of my mother...I won't get pregnant without it being God's time...so we'll just keep praying:)

Yeah Jesus!

2006-01-19T08:45:00.000-08:00

So thus far in my ministry life I haven't had this happen to me and let me tell you it was the coolest thing to be a part of. After youth group last night one of our regulars walks up to me with the friend she had brought and says that her friend has a question. So we step away from everyone and I'm like...yeah what's up? And she says..."I want to ask Jesus into my heart!" Immediately inside I'm doing a little dance, screaming, shouting, all that stuff...and I say that's awesome! Let's pray....We talked about forgiveness...about God always being with her...and she prayed with her friend, myself, and her friends dad...it was totally the coolest thing...goose bumps and all! And to think...I was all worried about the lesson I put together and if anyone got anything out of it...blah, blah, blah....who cares!!!! God still works even if I am a complete bomb...He is faithful...He never fails!! Give it up for the big guy holding us all!!!!

All's Well That Ends Well

2006-01-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

Yes, Kobi and I are doing fine now. And no, not fine like in we are putting up with each other and on the inside we both are still a ticking time bomb. But fine as in we actually enjoy spending time together...call each other throughout the day to say hi....and basically know how to laugh with each other. I know it doesn't sound like much but believe me it is! Like the other night I was watching the Bachelor when he got home from work and we had so much fun laughing at some of those girls...I mean come on...who says "the only reason to get married is to reproduce?!" And not only did she say it but she said it to the guy! Yeah that's gonna get him running....in the other direction! So anyway...we laughed...we talked...we folded laundry...then when Road Rules/Real World came on I went in the bedroom and watched what I wanted to watch and he watched that out in the family room. But the awesome thing about that was that neither one of us was mad and there was no tension, but complete understanding that we just both wanted to watch different things...it didn't mean we don't love each other...it just is confirmation that we are different people with different interests! So rest assured God is faithful and He is teaching Kobi and I daily what it means to be in a loving marriage relationship with each other and Him. Praise Jesus!

I don't wanna go home

2006-01-14T12:24:00.000-08:00

So here I sit on a rare cloudy day in Southern California...in my office. For the first time in awhile Kobi and I finally have a free weekend with no youth activities, traveling, or anything; we could really spend our nights and day doing a million different things. And all I can think is that more than anything else in the world right now I would rather sit here at my computer than go home and deal with the tension and uncomfortableness found in our apartment. The weird thing is I don't even know what it's about...but it always seems to be there...lingering...hovering over us. Waiting for one of us to cling to it and use it to isolate ourselves from each other. We both know what we are "supposed" to do, "supposed" to say and all that from talking through a lot of stuff with our pastor, but it seems almost...I don' t know...all I can think is it feels like I'm at the bottom of a mountain and I keep trying to climb it and someone keeps pushing me down so that I roll to the bottom and I have to stand up, look to the top again, and take another first step up. It just seems way easier sometimes to rest down at the bottom...to recoup before the uphill battle begins yet again. I guess what I am saying is that as much as I know I need to...I'm not ready to try again yet. No, that's not true because I did try but he's not ready to try again yet and I don't know what to do in the meantime...so here I sit on a rare cloudy day in Southern California...in my office. Please keep us in your prayers

Girls Gone Wild!

2006-01-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

Man I miss you girls! Kobi and I both had such a great time on our trip and it was only because we were able to see those closest to us!!! You'll never know how much you all fill our lives! Thank you for being true friends:) I love you all!

Christmas Cookie Escapade

2005-12-14T08:20:00.000-08:00

So we are having a Christmas party at youth group tonight....playing a bunch of cheesy games, having a white elephant gift exchange, and all that fun stuff! Well, I was brainstorming on other things we could do and in a moment of genius I thought..."wouldn't it be fun to decorate Christmas Cookies?!" I mean everyone loves Christmas cookies right? Well, without much thought I put that into the plans. I get home last night...put some comfy clothes on and sit down to do Christmas cards and all of a sudden it hits me...crap, I have to make cookies tonight. After my initial annoyance that I had to get up and go to the store after already being "in" for the night I had another stroke of genius...I'll make them from scratch and use one of the recipes that I got for one of my bridal showers! So I get my jacket on, grab the recipe, and make like a baby and head out. I get to the store and look down at the recipe card to see what I need to get...as I'm skimming through it I see a number of things including "soda." Well, to say the least I am not a baking or cooking expert so I decided to call my mom and make sure I knew what "soda" was. I do know my own limitations so I kept her on the phone with me the whole time I was shopping...good thing too. She let me know that the sugar I needed for the frosting was powdered sugar and where I could find most of the stuff inside the grocery store (like where the butter is and what kind is "real butter" instead of margarine).

I finally gather all the ingredients for the recipe and my eye catches something on the card... "refigerate over night!" I said mom, do I really have to do that...I need these by tomorrow!!! Major let down...so she wisely guided me to the "pre-made" bags of cut outs where all you need to do is add a stick of butter and an egg. I checked out and was ready to "defeat the cutouts!"

Of course I kept my mom on the phone and luckily I did too because I wasn't sure what "melted butter" meant...I mean does that mean complete liquid or just soft so you can mix it or what? And she's even so smart as to know that a whisk is just not going to cut it for the mixing...I mean who woulda known it would all get stuck in there and become a big glob? Apparantly not me! Anyway...I finally get it all mixed and....I never bought the flour and I don't have any Christmas cut outs! I put the stuff in the frig and returned once again to the store to buy the missing items. Finally I got home and was able to bake the cookies...first batch I didn't roll thin enough so they are all just big blobs...second batch I used a different pan and they all burned...third and fourth batch were fantastic!!! Two hours after I had begun I was finally finished! I cleaned it all up and put everything away and when I went to bed that night my left ear was covered in flour. I have no idea how it got there...but there it was...evidence of my labor:)

It Breaks My Heart

2005-12-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

I want so badly for every teenager to know the love of my Savior. To feel the completeness He brings and be able to grasp the depth of what He gives them daily. My heart yearns for them to know Him. I want their lives to be changed...that's what Christ is about....changing lives...making them fuller...richer...deeper...more meaningful...oh the life they could have! But they don't want it...maybe because they don't see it. I don't know. Maybe they don't even see the difference in my life...in anyone's life around them. No feeling of "I want what they have" other than when they watch Laguna Beach or a music video. This is where my heart lies and I believe it is part of why God called me into the ministry...I guess I am just learning what a tremendous battle field it is. Because they and Satan are doing everything they can to block anything God has to offer them. Please pray for me...pray for these kids...pray for strength and for openness...for vulnerability and love...pray that they are changed in dramatic ways forever! And pray that I live up to the calling in which God has placed on me...for His wisdom, strength, and power....

Life in the fishbowl

2005-12-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

Life update...things are going well and Kobi and I are blessed to be part of a church in which the pastor and his wife are a huge support for us. Yes, it's hard living "in the fishbowl" and it's difficult knowing when and how much to show, but having a pastor who understands and another couple that allows you to be real to the core is a major blessing. Just wanted you all to know that I am not dying on the vine out here. We are being taken care of and they don't let us pretend that nothing is wrong or that we can "handle it ourselves." We talk with people, we talk with each other, and get a healthy perspective on what is happening in our lives. It's nice to know we are not completely alone. So if you haven't found that support system yet...I highly suggest you do...in any situation you are in life. Find people you can be real with and who won't let you handle life alone.

The Facade

2005-12-03T12:01:00.000-08:00

So, I don't necessarily "believe in" pretending like everything is okay when it's actually not. If I'm angry I want to be able to voice that I'm angry, If I'm sad I don't want to have to put a smile on my face, if I'm scared I don't want to act brave, and if I'm hurt I don't want to have to act invincible. I want to be able to be truthful with my feelings and the things that are going on in my life, because I believe that God uses those things...our weak moments to show His strength. But where is the line in church work? I mean I can't tell everyone that I feel alone and frightened, or that Kobi and I are fighting and I have no idea what to do about it. But who can I tell? And what happens if for instance Kobi (my husband) and I get in a huge fight right before an event or church or something...am I supposed to fake like everything is okay? Or pretend like it never happened for the time being? Because as a church professional most of the times I have some sort of leadership role in whatever is taking place, so I have a job to do. I can't sit and wallow in the ups and downs of my own life all the time. But I also can't pretend that I don't have ups and downs....and here I am stuck in the middle not sure of how much is too much or how much silence can be just as deadly.

Dam!

2005-12-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...I'm hilarious..you don't have to tell me:) Hope this either made you smile or roll your eyes in despair! Either way I'm good just knowing I got a response;) As for my humor...yeah I know it needs some work, but I work with junior and senior high youth all the time and believe me it rubs off. Last night I had a room full of junior highers laughing in hysterics at the question "do you have trouble going to the bathroom!" Hilarious I know...

Turkey Weekend

2005-11-29T15:27:00.000-08:00

I've searched and searched and I can't find any good pictures from this weekend to share with you all...okay...maybe I didn't really even take any, but I did think about it! And of course now I wish I would have, but that's a whole new story. Overall my first Turkey Day and weekend away from family was fantastic. It definitely stunk to be away from family and not "go home," but we had fun nonetheless. What made my holiday...
1. Going to the pastor's house for breakfast with Kobi in our pajamas
2. Waking up his daughters (or trying to) with pots and pans
3. Playing game after game of Othello
4. Carmel Apple Pie
5. Making puff paint wife beaters
6. Girl Talk
7. Goofing off in a hotel
8. Stupid and silly youth ministry ice breakers
9. Seeing the youth from Promise smiling, having fun, and enjoying each other
10. Stop! Don't touch me there...these are my private squares!
10+ Riding home on a beautiful day with the windows down, sun shining, and music blaring!

Hope you all had a great holiday too!!! Thank you God for your mercy, love and grace!

The newest member of our family!

2005-11-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

The newest member of our family!
Kobi and I bought a new car this weekend!! The first "major" purchase of our marriage:) But we thought it was about time that we had a vehicle that we weren't taking into the shop every three days and that didn't have tires that randomly fell off while driving!

Sex, Drugs, and ....

2005-10-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

So when people outside of the "ministry" here that I am a "youth minister" think either SHE'S CRAZY for working with youth all the time....or....man what a cush job all she does all day is get to play with kids. Little do they know what my day, anyone's day who works with you, consists of. For instance last night not only did I have to exterminate a flour fight that was quickly gaining momentum, but I also had to somehow get three different couples to stay off of each other because apparantly up until this point PDA every chance they get was okay in their book. Not only that, but ten minutes before youth group is over, two students walk in...yeah apparantly they ditched and went to a movie instead...hmmm...needless to say we had a little talk about using youth group as a "cover" and then never showing up. PLUS...to myself and the other youth leader it seemed very possible that they were on some sort of drug when they DID show up. Then I had one youth arguing with me for 15 minutes about "why would God make ME go through 'this', I didn't do anything wrong?" Then I leave the house after prayer and taking a couple girls home...but not before I get an earfull from another girl about the "hoochies" that are all over their boyfriends at youth group....like I didn't notice! I drop a couple of girls off at home and wonder "did I do anything right tonight?" Cause while all of this was going on Christ's word was still being read, still be studied, still what I wanted them to get! So needless to say I walk away from the night constantly wondering...if I was faithful to His calling or if I let all the other crap get in the way of the Gospel. I just don't know.

But I do know that God is faithful. I do know that His Word never comes back void. And I do know that He is working...in spite of me and all the other "stuff" that Satan tries to throw in their. Praise Jesus!

Check it Out!

2005-10-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

http://www.plyouth.blogspot.com

Imposter

2005-10-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel like you are living someone else's life? Or not necessarily living someone else's life but living your own life simply to please another or fulfill someone else's desires and dreams? I was writing an email to one of my friends today and it totally just dawned on me that so much of my life lately has not necessarily been me living it and showing myself, but me living in order to be whoever I thought a certain person wanted me to be. Does that even make sense? It does in my head...but that might have something to do with the hole in there...
What justice am I doing to God and who He has made me to be if I am constantly trying to be who someone else is "making me?" Now here's the smart person thing to think about that apparantly I forget often...who am I more likely to "live up to"...sinful humans whose expectations constantly change...OR...the one who Created me, empowers me, and strengthens me to live out the heart He has given me?

Yeah easier said than done I know...but isn't there freedom in knowing you don't have to live up to someone else's expectations all the time? Isn't there freedom in knowing that God created each of us with specific personalities and gifts to fill specific roles and reach specific people? I think so...

2005-10-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

Masked Maidens!

I was looking through my pictures today and when I got to this one I laughed right out loud! I thought I'd share the joy. For those of you who don't know those are two of my three nieces and they love playing with my make up when I visit. It started with the older one loving "lip stuff" and progressed from there. Well, the last time I was down there the littler of the two (Maddy) was in the bathroom by herself and when I went in to check on her that is what her face looked like! We had just watched the incredibles and we couldn't help but laugh...
So later on that week we had a slumber party while the parents were out..this consisted of playing outside, dressing up like princesses, eating dinner in our underwear, building a fort to sleep in, and putting on make up to look like the incredibles! It really was the time of my life...you should all try it sometime!:) It's crazy how much fun you can have when you let it all go and have the heart of a child. Hmmm...isn't there something in the Bible about having the heart of a child? Interesting...

Never imagined I'd be doing this...

2005-10-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

You know as naive as it is...I think I always had an idea of what life as a DCE would look like. I mean as far as the job expectations, what I would be involved in, what kind of work I would focus on etc....
Little did I know that someday I would be recording a podcast to put on the internet so that anyone and their ma's could listen to me ramble...
I mean I didn't even know what a podcast was until about two months ago. But low and behold it is now a major project for our youth ministry here....hopefully reaching not only the youth in our church but the community as well...we'll see how it goes;) Pray for me please...I mean when I think about this...I think...who in their right mind would want to listen to a thing I have to say...but I know that if this is something that God wants to use...He will use it in spite of me! So pray that He speaks through me and that He draws them in. I'll let you know when we post the first one...maybe we can all laugh together!

The Search is Over

2005-10-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

Tia...this one's for you!

For all of my friends who went through the pain of trying to find the "perfect" wedding band with me while I was in Minnesota...here it is. I know you never got to see it and this isn't the best picture of it either but it's the best I have. So hope you get the idea!!! Thanks for dreaming with me:)

The Girls

2005-10-13T23:03:00.000-07:00

2005-10-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Stand by and Watch? Or Finally letting God have control?

2005-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

Stand By and Watch? Or Finally Letting God have Control?
Funny thing happened today....

I was driving down the street towards the house I work at so that I could park my car because there was this awful clunking noise coming from the car and it was hard to stear becuase the wheel was shaking so bad. I got one house away from where I needed to be, almost to the curb, and all of the sudden I am in a dead stop watching......

my left front wheel roll down the street without me!!!!

My wheel fell off!!! Not only did my wheel fall off...it fell off WHILE I WAS DRIVING!!!!!! Like my last post this is one of those things where all you can do is shake your head and say WHAT!? Are you kidding me? My wheel just really fell off? This is flipping ridiculous! But ridiculous or not...it's a reality.

So much of life is like that I realize...we can complain, whine, deny, question...but wheels still fall off. So what do we do? Well in this case I sat there dumbfounded as everyone around me took care of what needed to be done...get the wheel, call the tire place, tow truck...etc. Sometimes we need to do that in life too...let others deal with what is beyond us. Which is not easy believe me...give up control? Are you kidding me? But sometimes things are just to heavy to handle ourselves...there is no way I could have picked that car up and moved it by myself...in the same way God gives us each other to help carry each others burdens (Galatians 6)...and when that fails we have to remember that ultimately God bears our burdens (Psalm 68:19) and is forever faithful.

What did I learn? That I can go on denying all I want that something needs to change or be fixed, but at some point God's going to get my attention!!! Ultimately to protect me...ultimately to shape me...ultimately to help me live at peace knowing He is the one who is in control...and I don't have to worry about if He'll take care of it or not...OF COURSE HE WILL!!!

What is this!?

2005-10-05T22:32:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days when all you can say is WHAT!?
That has been today for me...
WHAT!?...
does it mean to post a stupid picture on this thing
is my login again
happened to the picture I just tried to upload
you want me to send my softball team up to the plate and strike out intentionally!
did you really just ask what the women in Africa do for tampons!
Pastor's gone and no one can find him!
did you really just say "I'd tap..." in front of your mother
how did the words I just said cause this big of a fight
a girl in her twenties just dies out of the blue...
a woman loses custody of her six year old son because the dad has his own business

All these things leave me shaking my head going...."what!?" and I still have no idea what to do or how to respond. So here I sit drinking a Smirnoff twist, listening to Tracy Chapman, waiting for my husband to get home...maybe he can make some sense of it all...but then again...maybe not...some things are just not meant to understand. One lesson learned from getting a hole in my brain.